When I'm weak

Well, I feel convicted to post, for fear that one day I might tell my daughter, "I never had any trouble with my pregnancies." I think we all block out certain painful experiences, especially when the rewards are so great. But, I do want to make a note of the journey, so I can remember what God did through the process. Ginny Owens sang at our church a few weeks ago. She is a Christian singer who I have always really liked. I like her songs because her lyrics are so deeply impactful. One of her songs, "I'll go through the Fire" (not sure of the title), was one of my favorites in college. Anytime I felt burdened or frustrated, I would pop that song in the CD player and be reminded that God had a purpose for everything. One thing I did not know about Ginny, that took me by surprise, is that she is blind. Someone ushered her up to the poteum where she sat down with her keyboard. She sang this song, "Be Thou My Vision" (an old hymn) and it brought me to tears (I'm tearing up just thinking about it). I felt so amazed and inspired that someone with that kind of handicap could so joyfully sing of God's sufficiency in her trials. She spoke to the church about not barrying our weaknesses, but using them to proclaim God's faithfulness. I was really challenged by that because so often, I really want people to believe that I have everything together. I guess I am doing God an injustice, because nobody gets to see how powerfully He picks me up in difficult moments.

So, here is the real truth: This pregnancy is eating my lunch. For the first 15 weeks, I wavered from headachey and tired to nauseous and throwing up. I threw up at work one day just 30 minutes before going into a meeting. I straightened up my clothes, grabbed a sprite, and pretended it never happened. Somehow, I contracted a really painful stye that bruised up and made me look like an abused wife. I have gotten two sore throats, and a nasty cold that kept me up for 3 nights coughing (no Nyquil for preggies). I think for the first time, I feel.....well....I guess I should just say it, WEAK. I get nervous about making plans or leaving the house because I don't know if I have enough snacks or if I will toss my cookies. I realize now how much I depend on my health, and how quickly I feel disabled when I don't feel good.

I went walking with a friend last week, and she reminded me of Paul sitting in prison. The amazing thing about his time in prison is that he never prayed that God would rescue him from his dire position. Instead, he sang...and shared Christ with all of the other inmates. Wow. What a great example of seeking God's glory rather than sulking in self pitty. Seems like we all have our own burdens to bare. How beautiful that God can use those times of deep need to reveal something about Himself. I believe He has done that for me...restored my emotional deposition, and given me a new song to sing. Of course, I am feeling much better today, so I can't take much credit for finding joy in the trials. But, I do believe that He is busy at work today, shaping this baby AND me. I'm thankful to have this experience where I am stripped of my dependencies because I have found Him abundantly faithful to show up in my weakness.