My Hands Were Clenched

Ted and I talked a lot about having a fourth child. The conversation usually consisted of him begging me to consider it, and me recounting all of my hesitations. It seems that everytime we discussed it, I had a new hesitation or fear to add. I felt confident that it was not what I wanted. Even when a few friends announced being pregnant with a fourth, I had to refrain from saying, 'you poor thing.' That's how I felt...four is just too many, at least for me. Then, I went to a Bible study over the summer, and we talked about family planning verses trusting God. Truthfully, I had a strong reaction to it. I felt angry, mostly at the author of the book we were reading, but also with my situation. Even though Ted really wanted a fourth, I felt sure about my decision to stop. So, I came home and journaled about it. I made a list of all of the reasons why I didn't want to have another kid. I felt very satisfied with my list, and decided to read them out loud to God. As I read them out loud, my confidence began to deflate. My reasons were all very self-centered, it was almost embarressing. So, I prayed that God would show me HIS will, because that was obviously more important than mine.

There have been only a few moments in my life where I have felt God speaking to me, and this was one of them. He didn't pressure me, or make me feel guilty, He just asked me a question; 'are you willing?' It made me tear up a little because I knew that my answer was 'no.' But, I prayed that God would change my heart if that was what He wanted. For the next few months, that question stuck with me, and I began to suspect that maybe God had something special in mind. I didn't want my fears to get in the way of that, but even still, I could not fully jump on board with 'trying' to conceive. One night, Ted convinced me to "take a risk." I was pretty sure that the timing was safe, because in my mind, the decision to have another was still in limbo. Four weeks later, I discovered that I was wrong about the timing, and God had used that one time to place a little one in my womb.

 For months, I had envisioned myself staring at a positive pregnancy test in tears, but thankfully, God HAD changed my heart. I actually felt pure joy, and a little bit relieved. God's will was clear and my selfishness was not going to interfere with that. I can't say that all of the fears and hesitations immediately dissolved. I still feel them on occasion, like when we have a week of sickness and I am trapped in my home. The thought of having someone else depending on me, makes me want to scream. But, God is good and I am trusting that if this is HIS will, He will provide a way. I titled this post from the words of one of my favorite songs on Entering the Worship Circle (disc 4). The line says, "my hands were clenched...now they're open." I tear up everytime I play it, because it reminds me of how I wrestled with this decision. I would much rather be surrendered to His grace, then stuck in my own place of comfort. Thankful for this new little one who is going to push me, sharpen me, and bless me, and thankful for a God who cares enough to pursue my heart.